it's not that bad

...actually when I look back at things, I should count my blessings. Things are not anywhere near bad. In fact, things are perfectly fine.

     Being alone in a new country has taught me a lot. A lot to be grateful and thankful about. It is really a new beginning of a new me. In most cases, losing some of the things that I thought really matters to me has opened my eyes and heart to explore some other areas inside of me that was unknown before.

     I am sure we have heard of this over and over gain, and I agree 100 percent with it. It is the saying, "count your blessings." People somehow forget to feel blessed, but focused more on feeling crappy. No not people, it is me! I forget to feel blessed. I pray daily, but feel unblessed. That is the most horrible irony in anyone's life. I guess it is my struggle... to be thankful, really thankful to our creator for the air that I breathe, for the sun that shines, for the drops of rain, for the four seasons that I never fail to experience. The few thing which are ruling my mind are; how to be like others, to earn big bucks, to be able to buy this and that, to be able to go here and there.

     If I would not have this shift in my life, I could have become an arrogant person, a money chaser, a fake person who has a shallow mind. I cannot say that I am over the material matter, that is a long process. I am too far away from that purity. I don't know anyone  who is detached from material. Some even professed deep religious commitment, but still need money to keep their spirit high. However, everyone has a journey to take and who am I to question others on what matters to them.

      At one point things seemed to fall into places, I got to do things that I enjoy and earn a bit. It is amazing how the experience fulfilled my ego. That few years has given me new meaning to myself. I felt good because I feel that I contributed to the world. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I started to complain about the less time I have for myself. The little time which left, I have to divide between doing all the house chores and spending time with my loved ones. My world was upside down again, blabbering about things which are beyond my control and how other people managed to irritate me with their demands and behaviours.  

...Then I begin to see that being at peace is not about having all that you want to have; on the other hand, it is about feeling grateful , thankful and happy with the blessings that are on our plate at any point in our life. I learn to look at things differently, shift my outlook and the way I perceive things and situations around me. Just to wake up healthy is a blessing! Listening to my husband's snore is a blessing, enjoying my daughter's laughter is a blessing. Ohhhh...there is so much blessing, and now when I want to count them all, they seem uncountable! But nightmares ??? this one I still cannot accept as blessing.

     Nevertheless, don't get me wrong. Having goals, objectives and mission in life are must! They are important benchmarks so that we have directions and having the motivation to improve ourselves. What I am focusing on is to be contented with our life throughout the journey. To train our minds not to compare our lives with others. It is good to have someone or something to inspire us. I do have a few goals now. I want to be unrealistic, by living in my dream world sometime...(try it, it is fun too!). But well, we have to wake up to realistic ideas. I honestly think it is not fun, but I try my best to make it fun!

     Guess what? Writing a blog is actually one of my new goal. At the very beginning, I told myself that I should write everyday. Look at what is happening now? I skipped days! I gave myself excuses...too busy. Doing what? I just finished watching 2 movies on you tube... My goal with my blog is to improve my writing skills and to share what is on my mind. I want to explore this shallow mind of mine. I hope something creative will come out of my writing! I am even envious of my niece Sarah coz she can draw a comic and the comic has a plot!

     Another goal of mine is to help the kids here with their English. I am not a native speaker, but I can teach English. I want to make use of my knowledge and skills. I am a fun teacher! I hope this plan of mine will work out well. A few people have shown interest. My pilot project should be in November. Help me God...bless my mission!

Tarikh penting

Adakalanya kita terlupa tarikh tarikh istimewa dalam hidup kita.

Hari jadi ahli keluarga

No	Haribulan	Harijadi siapa?
	28 January	Amir Chris
	6 February – 8 January	Bonda Hapsah
	13 May	Mohammad
	31 May	Jamilah
	27 June	Nur Aidah
	20 July	Siti Sarah
	2 August	Abdul Aziz
	3 September	Siti Aisyah
	30 September	Anna Katharina
	8 October	Ayahanda Jabar
	9 October	Sharifah Iz
	20 October	Qistina
	25 October	Hayati
	3 November	Batrisya
	8 November	Isam
	18 November	Hidayah
	12 December	Abdul Azim
	23 December	Jasman

Good bye comfort zone, Hello Nobody!

I used to take for granted living in my comfort zone. What is my comfort zone? It is living my wonderful life surrounded by loving family and great friends; having a promising career with future prospect of being a somebody in the corporate ladder; living a comfortable life in a cosy apartment; not knowing how to use public transport because my car takes me anywhere I want; owning no cooking book and admiring my very clean irregularly used kitchen because I can just order anything I like from any of my favourite, carefully selected restaurants.
 

That was years ago when I had ambition of my own, for myself.  Just when I thought my life was going great, I decided to get out of my comfort zone. I took a turn. This turning point seemed like walking through rainbow. It seemed better than what I had back then. The idea of having a family with the man I love. The idea of raising my own children in a land where life seem to be perfect, where opportunities seem to be all around, distracted my idea of giving me the ultimate attention.

This is when I learn that the value that I have built around myself could easily deteriorate after I step out of my comfort zone and not knowing how to deal with it. In my context, walking out of my comfort zone would mean that I am a Nobody. I have never been a nobody before, Eversince I was born, I have been a somebody. how does one feel to be a Nobody? This is it, the new discovery of my life.

 

First encounter of being a nobody. Hello? I got no friends! I don't know anyone except my husband. Well, he doesn't count. He is supposed to know me. Looking around me, everything is obviously strange or stranger. This is it. My question has been answered, the question of how does it feel to be a nobody. It feels extremely lonely.

 

It is disappointing to know that my degree is not recognized in my new country and therefore my years spent at the local University seemed wasted. My fluency in English doesn’t help me at all because the language is not widely spoken in my new country, and the people seem to be sceptical about a non-native English speaker. My working experience doesn’t impress the small group of people whom I wanted to impress because the area of expertise of my previous job doesn’t fit the jobs that I applied for. When I slowly tried to position myself in the society by first learning the language, and establishing contacts with individuals whom I met at school, I get to know that immigrants are referred to as “Auslander”. That is quite a degrading nickname for us.

I am truly happy in my country as I got what it takes to be accepted, recognized and move forward. Anyone who comes to my country with any kind of expertise could find a job eventually. In fact back home, the society in which I grew up in has been and will always be the warm welcoming society. However, in my new country, I am stuck. The locals are distant and has no interest to get to know me. How could this be happening to me? I feel that I worth nothing. I have to start from scratch. How can I increase my value again?

I have to think of a few strategies. Will they work? Only time will tell. Let me share with you the first one. They all say, “learn the bloody language, learn as much as possible to be as perfect as possible. Maybe they will look at you differently”. Look at me differently? I don’t want to be different. I want to be me and to be accepted as the way I am. In my country, people talk the same language with different accent and different set or standard of grammar. Sometimes there is no grammar application at all; just a set of arranged words. Nevertheless, people understood this other world of spoken language and we all accept this variation with great honour and respect.

 

The main goal is to be perfect as fast as you can. That means intensive workout. Intensive practice, intensive learning. One very good advice I got from a lot of people is to forget other languages and just concentrate on this one, the mother language of my new country. Did I take that advice? You bet I did; only to realize that I slowly forgetting the other 2 languages that I have mastered and yet not mastering the new one. How irony is that? In the end I feel like I don't know any language anymore. That helped me feel more miserable. Thank you!!!

 

...to be continued 

Fading Hero

One by one, my triumph is taken

Far away and out of sight
Slow and steady I am broken
Not a drop left of the will to fight

On what ground do you think you stand?

On which soil did you bloom and grow?
How long will you continue to pretend?
You shut everything out as if you don’t know?

What is there left for us?

That binds us together?
How can we hold on to make it last?

Will we ever make it forever?

Fear is no more a word I understand

Lost its actual meaning long ago
Replaced by faith as I make my stand
Childishly believing that I am still the Hero

 

Schlafen (credit to Anna K)

Mein Schönheits schlaf ist wichtig,
sonst ist bei mir nicht richtig,
Ich brauchen zehn Stunden schlaf
sonst bin ich morgen nicht mehr braf,

Sorrow state of mind

It has been too long
hold on, be strong and move on
seems difficult to continue living
at least be proud if die trying

Each day to Mighty God I pray
That whatever feelings go away
loosen my grip and just let go
Look forward as behind is sorrow

Sometimes it feels like almost breaking
All senses are numb and the heart is aching
Cannot seem to find the best remedy
To overcome this deep state of sorry

Please Please Please help dear God
Is there and easy way to cut this cord???

silly me...silly silly silly

You are in love, my love
but clearly not with me, who loves you dearly
I am in love with you my boo
such a shame you don't feel the way I do
 -------------------------------------------

If only I could steal those moment again
May I unlock that heart of yours?
Would you agree to join me?
to my place of serenity
where we live through eternity
cannot be touched by reality
a place I build for us to be
nobody else just you and me

A Life without You

I want a blank page, unwritten
I want a hollow space, out in the open
I want a mute conversation, unspoken
I want simply a head, without headache
I yearn for a heart, free from heartache

Too bad, time was wasted
So cruel, mood fluctuated
Meaningless flow of thought
A cheap loss, plan undone

Life clock cannot be unturned
We cannot ask for compensation
Damn, without you, life worths more!
Without you, yess...that is all I ask for!

...Tempe Pincang, again in action

...continuation of Tempe Pincang....

yes, today we witness the all real TP. He is at his best form, making his best move. This move is called the desperate call for attention. Yes, TP is all about getting the attention. He needs attention to validate his sense of existance. Once we feed his ego, he feels great. Then he will move away, admiring what he cannot get. Mind you, what he cannot get gives him no attention, or maybe a little bit of attention.  Therefore he will seek attention elsewhere. An unexpected victim would fall easily. He hunts down easy prey. He believes that he can just pick and choose his victims as he is surrounded by potential preys.

To get into the game with TP, we need to be strong. We need to be prepared, prepared for the emotional, as big as Tsunami, wave scaling 9.0 Richter (betul ke?) ... the question is, who will win this game?

Journey in Question

If I could erase what is already written

Renewing the vows, I repeat to myself
Could I amend the journey I took?
Excluding you is a must, I say

Could I stay away from sorrow?

Can I escape this accidental bond?
That scares my soul when I am awake
Terrorising the existance of my dream
 

Under the blanket is where I am safe

Under the blanket is where I am alive
Under the blanket are all my secrets
Under the blanket is where I hide

From the complete craziness

From the absolute recklessness
From the desire to have everything
The truth is I have nothing

 

 

Elegy to My Loved Ones

I beg u to ignore the hurt or pain,
Time is short, we must say farewell,
To God I pray that we shall meet again,
Insha’Allah, hopefully, all goes well.

The path of future lies ahead,

Leaving behind memories of yesterday,
Laughter and joy we keep intact,
Our journey continues, as we can’t stay.

Life's curvy paths have brought us together,

Uncovering and understanding about whatever,
Still, we feel so small, but please never ever,
Look down on ourselves, as less than the other.

Our voyage indeed, makes us stronger,

Countless challenges, making us better,
Despite tough seasons, we follow through,
from tiny caterpillar to that confident you!

I thank you for this wonderful journey,

With you around, I could not ask for more,
Forgive me for sometimes I can be whiney,
So naked before you, there is nothing else to explore.

Buckets of prayers, I release in the sky,

Guiding your path like flying dove,
Pursue your dreams, I believe you try,
In my heart you stay, surrounded by love.

The Tempe Pincang Type (TTPT)

Well...today is a quite boring day. Especially when "Tempe Pincang Type" shows up. You must be wondering what or who is Tempe pincang? Well, I shall not leave you guessing because most probably you will not be able to guess.

According to any popular and trustworthy dictionary, there is no entry called Tempe, but there will be definition of Tempeh. It is actually a simple dish made of soya bean, a very traditional exotic delicacy which has no exact origin. However, it could be traced back to the early Javanese civilization. We could also find it in all over in Asia. So it is like an Asian treasure. Since it is made of soya, therefore it must be the perfect source of high protein diet.

What about pincang? I like this word because it sounds cute and nasty. By the way, it is a Malay word. There are other words we could use like "rosak", "cacat" or "tak boleh pakai". They all carry the similar meaning - defect, faulty, deficiency, failure....and the list could go on.

Alright, when we combine both words together, we have a, what could be exotic and rich with goodness, end up being nothing because of its' faulty and failure to meet that expectation. See? This is what I am referring to. The Tempe Pincang Type, and these are humans.

I would stay away from TTPT because it is worst than someone with ADHD. At least we could spot someone with ADHD seconds after we spend time with them. On the other hand, TTPTs are a bit tricky. They look perfect...you will only realize they belong in the TTPT category after you have some bites. Maybe not the first bite, because sometimes first bite taste deceivingly yummy, especially if they are well presented. Girl, wait till you make more bites. Then you suddenly savor that annoying flavor. Bite no further sisters! Put a stop now and then.

I know, it is not so easy to put a stop once you bite the bait. But think of yourself. Put yourself first. Question your love for yourself. If you confess that you are in love with yourself, then just drop it. Are you scared that they may think you are not interested or not that nice girl anymore? Well it is better that way because then they are sure to stay away. Always remember that nobody protects us better than ourselves. Nice people always get stepped over by manipulators. Good people are smarter, they are are nice to those who are genuinely nice and kind to them. So, better be good than nice!

If you want to know more about Tempe Pincang Type...like their characteristics... ask me, ok!

 

Do it differently

Do it Differently ....You want desired result? I want the result that I favour. I want to achieve this and that. The big question is, how do I get to that particular this or that? I should first think of what and how to do and then I apply it. Maybe I get the result that I expect. Alright, I have figured a way out, I have been doing it 3 times…exactly the same way, oh no, with a bit of twist. I keep getting the same outcome. Should I try again for the fourth time? Am I being serious here? Am I asking myself this question? I think I should knock my head on the wall. Alright silly, change your way. Do something different, maybe I will get there or at least get a nearly there result. Yes, please change our ways when we know that we are not getting anywhere with the way we are and the way we do certain things. Maybe we need a little adjustment or maybe we need big alteration. Nevertheless we must make that change. Like Obama’s winning chant “Make a change!” Yes Obama, “Yes, we can. We can do it!” or was that my slogan for my yearly resolution? 

Give up? No way ...

Who said blogging is easy? If you don’t have the discipline to write, you will end up as an ex blogger or the Blogger who never blogs or worst, the dreamer blogger. I guess I cannot dismiss myself yet. I have tonnes of ides! I have a lot to share and I think what I want to tell you guys are interesting stuff. They are about nothing, anything and everything. They range from good to bad, from boring to exciting.

Alright, I have to make a confession. I have been feeling angry for the last few days. I am angry with someone. I can’t share details as I think it is too personal. Nevertheless, I will give a hint… that person was very disrespectful towards someone dear to me. I failed to fight back. I guess I was angrier with myself rather than being angry with that person whom now I nicknamed her old witch or sometimes grandkid of H..r or sometimes catpee or whatever bitchy words those come to mind.

Is it bad? Of course, it is bad. It is bad for my health because I am giving too much attention and energy to this particular subject. It does not help me and it definitely brings me nothing except bitterness. So how do I address this issue? I don’t. I don’t address this issue because I don’t want to and I want to get even, one day. I hope I will do it in a manner, which doesn’t put me in an awkward position.  I want her to learn to be respectful, and to be thankful for the good things that others have done to her.

Life, completely uncomplicated

What shaped me definitely did not shape you

I used to be very comfortable being in my own skin, until some people told me that I should follow what they think is right due to fear of the Greater power. I used to think that becoming pious is a process, a journey that one should make to reach purity and finally being able to leave behind this material world before entering the next level.

Being the second kid of five siblings, I have heard that the second child could end up being the rebel in the family. I did not believe that until I see where I am today. In fact, I am not just a rebel in my family but also a rebel against the system, which I do not feel that I belong to anymore. 

While growing up, I have been exposed to my origin, my culture, my beliefs, and the values that come with them. It seemed that I was swimming along with the current, taking me upstream, or downstream, which I have yet to experience because the end of the stream has not yet to be seen.

However, at some point of my life, I began to develop my own sense of being and my own sense of belonging. It was a hard struggle. It started when I was at my secondary school. As I entered this world of elite students, who are supposed to be the smart kids and the ones who are above average.

All teenagers in this world will go through this phase where they question their existence and try to connect to the greater being. At the same time, the struggle to do well in academics and the desperation to be accepted by their peers and cliques seem to be a never-ending pursuit.

As I tried to fit in, it became clearer to me that I could not fit in. What excites my peers didn’t excites me. What was meaningful to them doesn’t make sense to me. I withdrew myself to the most hidden corner and the only best friend I had was I. A few friends who seemed to be out-casted and marginalised for reasons I don’t know and cannot be bothered visited me from time to time but I had never felt their true intention to be my friend because it never occurred to me that I am that cool kid that my peers would like to hang out with. I did not feel the need to proof myself to anyone except myself and that was the hardest thing to do.

However, I was a bit sad because I thought the teachers did not notice me at all. I do not remember any of my teachers come close to me and try to ask more than my name. I did not know how to please them and did not know how to attract their attention. In the end, I just gave up. Nevertheless, I managed to find my way by tagging along with my friends who would like to see the teachers. In my mind, they are so great! They give knowledge. It is as if they are next to God. Hmm, maybe I over-imagined them. Well, imagination could run wild you know ; ). On the other hand, maybe it is plain to see that I have no confidence. Why? I have no answers.

I do remember a few incidents that lead me to my painful heart breaking experience. I love all my teachers even though I never shower them with any presents. I might have done to a few, such gesture I do recall anymore. There are a few incidents that I have overviews from time to time. For instance, I love my Geography teachers. They are the few ones whom I looked up to and really admired. However, they misunderstood my intention. For me to memorize better, I drew and made sketches in my Geography exercise books. I loved them. I loved looking at them and reading them. It was like an art collection apart from the knowledge scribbled in them. One day we were asked to submit our exercise books to be checked. A few days later, I was called by my teacher. I wondered why. My heart beat so fast, faster than the bullet train in France! I was told that my exercise book, the one that I was so proud of, did not please her. She told me never to have such “art work” in my exercise book again. How encouraging was that? I find that a supress to my talent and I began to hate the subject.

In another incident, I guess I was around 14 or 15, or maybe 14 and a half. I had already promised my girlfriend to accompany her home for the weekend. It was something I looked forward to and my heart leaped joyfully imagining the day I could escape the routine of boarding school. Later that week, our Geography teacher, “out of the blue”, told us that she decided to have extra class with us on the weekend, which I would not be around. I was like, “WHAT???? I had PLAN!!!!” My plan didn’t come from nowhere. This was a carefully planned plan! How could she do this to me? Her plan came out of nowhere. Since I have given my word, I asked one of my classmates to inform her of my absenteeism. On Monday, I went to meet her to apologize. Instead of excusing me for being a friend of her word, my teacher accused me of neglecting my studies and giving more priority to my social life. How can a teacher say such thing? She mocked my good character just because I kept my word and wanting to apologize? She was the one who did not respect my plan. That was the second big blow, which shattered my self-esteem. I totally lost my respect for her. I didn’t enjoy Geography and I suffered from Geography depression. My grades never became better, as my resentment towards my Geography teacher grew stronger. I hate the sight of her.

During that time of self-isolation, I purposely put it that way; or maybe I see it that way; I kept things to myself. I could not figure out how to win my teachers’ heart, how to impress them like other students did. I have only myself to depend on. That period forced me to be my own best friend. I read about everything; from the theory of evolution to myths and legends. I read a lot about spiritual matters, topics and themes pertaining religion and psychology interests me deeply. I have no recollection of the books or their contents, but somehow I understood them. I do know that few years of reading has shaped me so much!

It seemed that I did not mind having a few friends, not being accepted in the cool clan, being sceptically looked upon and in fact most probably considered too clean to be real. How could I have forgotten that life is a journey; it is a process of growing up, becoming me. Just when I thought I had my act, all pulled together, the journey continues … I am still discovering myself and I am not so clean after all! If I would have died at 17, if all what they say is right, if all what they claim is the truth, then I am already in Heaven now, waiting for my loved ones to complete their journeys too. Why didn’t I die back then? God has a plan. My journey has been set. It would take me by surprise. Was I prepared for it?

Doaku...

     Ya Tuhanku, Tuhan pencipta sekelian alam dan mahluknya, pemberi nyawa, jiwa dan kuasa, pencipta segala mukjizat, maha penyayang, maha pengasih, maha pemberi, maha pengasihani…

     Dengan rasa rendah diri aku bersyukur kepadamu di atas kehidupan yang telah Dikau kurniakan kepada kami. Dengan rendah hati, aku mohon darimu untuk diriku dan mereka semua yang telah kusebutkan, Ampunilah dosa kami, bukalah pintu taubatmu, terimalah taubat kami, tunjukkanlah kepada kami jalan kepadamu.
     Ya Allah, tempatkanlah kami di dalam syurgamu, tempatkanlah ibuku di dalam syurgamu, peliharalah ibuku dengan belas kasih sayangmu, Ya Allah, perindahkanlah perjalanan hidup kami, permudahkanlah segala urusan hidup kami.
     Ya Allah, peliharalah kami dengan kesihatan yang baik, jagalah kami dengan keselamatan yang baik, Kurniakanlah kepada kami kasih dan sayang yang tidak berbelah bagi antara keluarga dan sahabat. Perkukuhkanlah hubungan dan kemesraan kami.
     Ya Allah, limpahilah kami dengan rezeki2mu yang baik2, bukankanlah pintu2 rezekimu untuk kami nikmati, syukuri dan dikongsi dengan mereka yang memerlukan. Kurniakanlah kepada kami kekayaan jiwa dan harta, perindahkanlah diri kami dengan kecantikan hati dan jasmani, bersihkanlah hati kami dengan sabar dan taqwa, peliharalah kehormatan kami agar kami sentiasa dihormati dan menghormati.
     Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kepada kami kepandaian, kebijaksanaan dan kreativiti yang tinggi, kelilingilah kami dengan segala kebaikan setiap waktu, berilah kejayaan kepada kami di dalam apa jua yang kami ceburi, kurniakanlah kesabaran di hati kami.
     Ya Allah, kurniakanlah iman di hati kami, hidupkanlah kami dalam iman, matikanlah kami dalam iman. Terimalah kami seadanya…Ya Allah terima kasih di atas segala limpah kurniamu kepada kami, Amiin, Amiin, Amiin.