Saturday, October 20, 2012

it's not that bad

...actually when I look back at things, I should count my blessings. Things are not anywhere near bad. In fact, things are perfectly fine.

     Being alone in a new country has taught me a lot. A lot to be grateful and thankful about. It is really a new beginning of a new me. In most cases, losing some of the things that I thought really matters to me has opened my eyes and heart to explore some other areas inside of me that was unknown before.

     I am sure we have heard of this over and over gain, and I agree 100 percent with it. It is the saying, "count your blessings." People somehow forget to feel blessed, but focused more on feeling crappy. No not people, it is me! I forget to feel blessed. I pray daily, but feel unblessed. That is the most horrible irony in anyone's life. I guess it is my struggle... to be thankful, really thankful to our creator for the air that I breathe, for the sun that shines, for the drops of rain, for the four seasons that I never fail to experience. The few thing which are ruling my mind are; how to be like others, to earn big bucks, to be able to buy this and that, to be able to go here and there.

     If I would not have this shift in my life, I could have become an arrogant person, a money chaser, a fake person who has a shallow mind. I cannot say that I am over the material matter, that is a long process. I am too far away from that purity. I don't know anyone  who is detached from material. Some even professed deep religious commitment, but still need money to keep their spirit high. However, everyone has a journey to take and who am I to question others on what matters to them.

      At one point things seemed to fall into places, I got to do things that I enjoy and earn a bit. It is amazing how the experience fulfilled my ego. That few years has given me new meaning to myself. I felt good because I feel that I contributed to the world. Then suddenly out of nowhere, I started to complain about the less time I have for myself. The little time which left, I have to divide between doing all the house chores and spending time with my loved ones. My world was upside down again, blabbering about things which are beyond my control and how other people managed to irritate me with their demands and behaviours.  

...Then I begin to see that being at peace is not about having all that you want to have; on the other hand, it is about feeling grateful , thankful and happy with the blessings that are on our plate at any point in our life. I learn to look at things differently, shift my outlook and the way I perceive things and situations around me. Just to wake up healthy is a blessing! Listening to my husband's snore is a blessing, enjoying my daughter's laughter is a blessing. Ohhhh...there is so much blessing, and now when I want to count them all, they seem uncountable! But nightmares ??? this one I still cannot accept as blessing.

     Nevertheless, don't get me wrong. Having goals, objectives and mission in life are must! They are important benchmarks so that we have directions and having the motivation to improve ourselves. What I am focusing on is to be contented with our life throughout the journey. To train our minds not to compare our lives with others. It is good to have someone or something to inspire us. I do have a few goals now. I want to be unrealistic, by living in my dream world sometime...(try it, it is fun too!). But well, we have to wake up to realistic ideas. I honestly think it is not fun, but I try my best to make it fun!

     Guess what? Writing a blog is actually one of my new goal. At the very beginning, I told myself that I should write everyday. Look at what is happening now? I skipped days! I gave myself excuses...too busy. Doing what? I just finished watching 2 movies on you tube... My goal with my blog is to improve my writing skills and to share what is on my mind. I want to explore this shallow mind of mine. I hope something creative will come out of my writing! I am even envious of my niece Sarah coz she can draw a comic and the comic has a plot!

     Another goal of mine is to help the kids here with their English. I am not a native speaker, but I can teach English. I want to make use of my knowledge and skills. I am a fun teacher! I hope this plan of mine will work out well. A few people have shown interest. My pilot project should be in November. Help me God...bless my mission!

Tarikh penting

Adakalanya kita terlupa tarikh tarikh istimewa dalam hidup kita.

Hari jadi ahli keluarga

Harijadi siapa?
28 January
Amir Chris
6 February – 8 January
Bonda Hapsah
13 May
31 May
27 June
Nur Aidah
20 July
Siti Sarah
2 August
Abdul Aziz
3 September
Siti Aisyah
30 September
Anna Katharina
8 October
Ayahanda Jabar
9 October
Sharifah Iz
20 October
25 October
3 November
8 November
18 November
12 December
Abdul Azim
23 December

Friday, October 12, 2012

Good bye comfort zone, Hello Nobody!

I used to take for granted living in my comfort zone. What is my comfort zone? It is living my wonderful life surrounded by loving family and great friends; having a promising career with future prospect of being a somebody in the corporate ladder; living a comfortable life in a cosy apartment; not knowing how to use public transport because my car takes me anywhere I want; owning no cooking book and admiring my very clean irregularly used kitchen because I can just order anything I like from any of my favourite, carefully selected restaurants.
That was years ago when I had ambition of my own, for myself.  Just when I thought my life was going great, I decided to get out of my comfort zone. I took a turn. This turning point seemed like walking through rainbow. It seemed better than what I had back then. The idea of having a family with the man I love. The idea of raising my own children in a land where life seem to be perfect, where opportunities seem to be all around, distracted my idea of giving me the ultimate attention.

This is when I learn that the value that I have built around myself could easily deteriorate after I step out of my comfort zone and not knowing how to deal with it. In my context, walking out of my comfort zone would mean that I am a Nobody. I have never been a nobody before, Eversince I was born, I have been a somebody. how does one feel to be a Nobody? This is it, the new discovery of my life.
First encounter of being a nobody. Hello? I got no friends! I don't know anyone except my husband. Well, he doesn't count. He is supposed to know me. Looking around me, everything is obviously strange or stranger. This is it. My question has been answered, the question of how does it feel to be a nobody. It feels extremely lonely.
It is disappointing to know that my degree is not recognized in my new country and therefore my years spent at the local University seemed wasted. My fluency in English doesn’t help me at all because the language is not widely spoken in my new country, and the people seem to be sceptical about a non-native English speaker. My working experience doesn’t impress the small group of people whom I wanted to impress because the area of expertise of my previous job doesn’t fit the jobs that I applied for. When I slowly tried to position myself in the society by first learning the language, and establishing contacts with individuals whom I met at school, I get to know that immigrants are referred to as “Auslander”. That is quite a degrading nickname for us.

I am truly happy in my country as I got what it takes to be accepted, recognized and move forward. Anyone who comes to my country with any kind of expertise could find a job eventually. In fact back home, the society in which I grew up in has been and will always be the warm welcoming society. However, in my new country, I am stuck. The locals are distant and has no interest to get to know me. How could this be happening to me? I feel that I worth nothing. I have to start from scratch. How can I increase my value again?

I have to think of a few strategies. Will they work? Only time will tell. Let me share with you the first one. They all say, “learn the bloody language, learn as much as possible to be as perfect as possible. Maybe they will look at you differently”. Look at me differently? I don’t want to be different. I want to be me and to be accepted as the way I am. In my country, people talk the same language with different accent and different set or standard of grammar. Sometimes there is no grammar application at all; just a set of arranged words. Nevertheless, people understood this other world of spoken language and we all accept this variation with great honour and respect.
The main goal is to be perfect as fast as you can. That means intensive workout. Intensive practice, intensive learning. One very good advice I got from a lot of people is to forget other languages and just concentrate on this one, the mother language of my new country. Did I take that advice? You bet I did; only to realize that I slowly forgetting the other 2 languages that I have mastered and yet not mastering the new one. How irony is that? In the end I feel like I don't know any language anymore. That helped me feel more miserable. Thank you!!! be continued 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Fading Hero

One by one, my triumph is taken
Far away and out of sight
Slow and steady I am broken
Not a drop left of the will to fight

On what ground do you think you stand?
On which soil did you bloom and grow?
How long will you continue to pretend?
You shut everything out as if you don’t know?

What is there left for us?
That binds us together?
How can we hold on to make it last?
Will we ever make it forever?

Fear is no more a word I understand
Lost its actual meaning long ago
Replaced by faith as I make my stand
Childishly believing that I am still the Hero


Schlafen (credit to Anna K)

Mein Schönheits schlaf ist wichtig,
sonst ist bei mir nicht richtig,
Ich brauchen zehn Stunden schlaf
sonst bin ich morgen nicht mehr braf,

Sorrow state of mind

It has been too long
hold on, be strong and move on
seems difficult to continue living
at least be proud if die trying

Each day to Mighty God I pray
That whatever feelings go away
loosen my grip and just let go
Look forward as behind is sorrow

Sometimes it feels like almost breaking
All senses are numb and the heart is aching
Cannot seem to find the best remedy
To overcome this deep state of sorry

Please Please Please help dear God
Is there and easy way to cut this cord???

Monday, October 8, 2012

silly me...silly silly silly

You are in love, my love
but clearly not with me, who loves you dearly
I am in love with you my boo
such a shame you don't feel the way I do

If only I could steal those moment again
May I unlock that heart of yours?
Would you agree to join me?
to my place of serenity
where we live through eternity
cannot be touched by reality
a place I build for us to be
nobody else just you and me